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I am so, so upset that I am stuck going to fucking Gettysburg College. I cheated myself out of the opportunity to apply and go to GREAT schools. But no. Instead I am stuck going to a tiny college in the middle of nowhere with stupid people who only care about partying and drinking. It makes me cry every time I think about it.

Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else.
- George Bernard Shaw

Law never made man a whit more just; and by means of their respect for it, even the well disposed are daily made agents of injustice
-Henry David Thoreau

“I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can learn to appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
-Marilyn Monroe

wordpress has the worst spell-checker eveerrr

Maybe one of my favorite polaroids I’ve ever taken.

 

Sometimes, if I know I will want to remember someone or something later, I will try and associate a song with that person, place or time. I did it when I went to Wales. I listened to Leonard Cohen nearly the entire boat ride. It seems to work best though when I don’t do it on purpose. Cat Power’s “The Greatest” and Ryan Adams’ “Strawberry Wine” remind me of this summer and prom night. Two particularly sad songs. I’ve always said that The Delgados’ “Coming in From the Cold” is how I feel when I lay my head against the window of an airplane. God this sounds so gay but it’s true. Every time I’m on a plane, I make sure to listen to Simon & Garfunkle’s “America” because I think that’s the best song for traveling ever. I don’t really know why but I think it’s a good song for leaving someplace and I want to make a mix of these songs before I leave since these memories, like olfactory ones, will probably survive for the rest of my life.

Also this summer before I go, I want to arrange a photoshoot with all the people I’m friends with. I saw this picture someone took once where they got a bunch of their friends to go into a forest and each person hid behind a tree and when they took the picture, each person peeked out from behind their respective tree trunk. It sounds kind of silly I guess but I promise it looked neat. I also want to do that thing where you have someone hold a picture frame in front of their face and take a photo of them like that. Whatever, these have been done before but I LIKE THEM.

Today I bid on and won a new sx-70 camera from shopgoodwill.com I love that site more than the monopoly man loves mustaches.  I’m totally in denial over this polaroid thing. I know it will last forever! It just has to!
I was previously planning on not bringing the sx-70 to France/Germany but I figure this will probably be it’s last hurrah so why the hell not? I know I will get some fantastic pictures. I understand polaroids so much better than I understand anything else in my life. How dare they try and take that away from me?

Tocarra turns out to be way crazier than anyone knew.

So I am currently watching Celebrity Fit Club by accident and Tocarra from ANTM is on it. HAS SHE ALWAYS BEEN THIS CRAZY?! Totally crazy. You’d think the producers at ANTM would’ve taken advantage of her crazy and shown it constantly throughout every episode.  Anyway. The point is that she’s absolutely crazy AND NOT EVEN THAT FAT. The people on this show look like normal, average people. ‘Could lose 15 pounds if they wanted to but definitely don’t need to’ type people. I get that they’re supposed to be gaining muscle and whatever but honestly, these people are so far from the folks they had first season that I feel like it should be a completely different show. Bruce Milanch or whatever his name was weighed like 400lbs and I think everyone that season was at or above 200lbs. Now we have the ex-host of American Idol at 180 with a target weight loss for next week of.. 2 pounds.
Whatever. I rarely ever watch this show I was just surprised that it’s changed so much.

Yay Easter and Rocher chocolatessss!

Anewpost.

Why am I blogging? I never do well with blogs. I found an old xanga of mine with only one entry. It said “Can there be a first post without a last?” or something like that. Which I guess means that at the time I knew myself well enough to know that though I could start one of these bitches, I could never finish it. It was dated sometime in 2005 (I’m too lazy to go back and look) so this is only more evidence that I was the best person I could be around the age of 14-15 and everything went downhill from there. I wrote the best prose I ever wrote when I was 15-16 but the reason I haven’t written anything good lately is because I guess I don’t even try. I just sit here and waste my time sweating in my bedroom because my brother turns the heat up all the way.

So what about Pennsylvania? Well, what about it? GOD. I’m going up there to have a look, a little inspection April 16-19th I think. It’s right before I leave on the orchestra trip that may or may not happen. And right before that is my 18th birthday. I think it will be like every other birthday where I get excited about maybe planning something but never plan anything. The only birthday that had the potential to be legendary was my 17th with the party Paul and I were planning but then I got caught fucking up and it all went to shit. I can’t say I was surprised. I knew it was coming. I don’t mind that it happened so much now it’s just that when those anti-drug commercials come on TV I feel the need to talk over them and make weird shouty noises so my family and I can pretend that drugs don’t exist.
Honestly, though. What’s a little weed?

Senior project and everything else is making me a little bit crazy and I wonder why I’ve burned so many bridges this year. One of them is just barely hanging on. I guess the prospect of Pennsylvania is making me think that there’s no point in maintaining any of these relationships as the only person I miss on a semi-regular [not really regular] basis is someone I’ve never met.
I can go a month or two barely thinking about him and then suddenly one day I wake up and the pit is still in my heart/stomach/ghjnnuufhfh area and then I wonder how much he knows about me [if he knows!?] and I go to find him. He used to be there but not so much anymore. I know that for me there will never be a total disconnect but there will be [has been?] for him. I know that it will be there for the rest of my life and the regret will always be there. Maybe it will be the thing I regret most about my life. Probably not but it is the thing I think about when I can’t sleep and the thing I think about on a long bus ride or a plane ride or whenever I’m sitting, waiting somewhere. He is the thing I think about when I think of myself as an old woman in her armchair. I will think of him when I’m dying and when I travel to where I know he was from [because I know I will one day] I will wonder if every man on the street is him and if he, by some miracle of god, will know it is me just from some look in my eye or some poetic drivel like that. I know that the whole thing was so full of lies that nothing can ever come of it in my lifetime but the thought that I may have thrown away my soulmate will plague me for the rest of my days.

And Pennsylvania will only make it worse. My homesickness will not be just for my home but also for him because I know he won’t speak to me and that it’s gone for good.

A blog about my day is boring.

Today felt like two seperate days. On the first day I went to school and took my Spanish midterm and watched youtube videos on Michael’s iphone and got photos developed. On the second day I went to Indochine with Ryan and gossiped like the bitchy old women we are and ate chocolate mousse. Then I hung out with Kathryn and Diane in Diane’s car in the middle of Lumina Station and then hung out in Kyle Kramer’s grandparents’ house with David. I didn’t really want to leave but I was supposed to be home by quarter to 12 if I wasn’t sleeping at Kathryn’s.

God that was boring to read.

Friday I am going to have bagels, clean my room, watch the Edvard Munch biopic and possibly hang out with Kathryn at night. Whatever I just want some booze.

Stuff I forgot:
- I watched Quills when I got home today and it was pretty good. I’d buy it. Geoffrey Rush was ridiculously good in it and who doesn’t love Kate Winslet? She’s just so sweet/hot.
- Danced with Kathryn in the Taco Bell parking lot because it was closed and we were waiting for Diane.

I’m so bored with my life. It will be nice, however, to have a few days where I have to do absolutely no work. I’ve been procrastinatin’ so bad lately that the stress of not doing my work until the last minute is far surpassing the stress I get from just having the workload I do.

Also, my boobs are ticklish.
Also, I still dress like an 80 year old man.